When you’re mentally ill and coming back from a very recent breakdown (and not the first you’ve ever had), it’s so easy to lose sight of reality. You can no longer know for sure the difference between what was a dream and what actually happened to a certain extent. It’s terrifying.
I’ve been trying to open up about what I keep buried because I feel it’s what has caused this past nervous breakdown and previous ones. And it’s been going well for the most part. But tonight I feel invisible and like I’m closing down again. Numerous things have led to this but I’ll mention none. Because it wouldn’t be like this if I wasn’t sick in my own head.
Sleep is rough. The last time I ate was…. Hold on… I have to look at the day…. The 14th (which was Monday and it is now 1:25 am Thursday. I have no appetite. I have no desire for food or for talking about shit like I’ve been doing so well at.
Maybe it’s all part of this recovery I’m on. Maybe it’s me falling back to how I was. I don’t want to be her. I just want to be someone else that isn’t this…..
*Just to credit the artist in my title : it’s from ‘Vermillion Part 2’ by Slipknot *
Xerxes Mania 