‘I won’t,no, I don’t want to be this…. ‘

When you’re mentally ill and coming back from a very recent breakdown (and not the first you’ve ever had), it’s so easy to lose sight of reality. You can no longer know for sure the difference between what was a dream and what actually happened to a certain extent. It’s terrifying.

I’ve been trying to open up about what I keep buried because I feel it’s what has caused this past nervous breakdown and previous ones. And it’s been going well for the most part. But tonight I feel invisible and like I’m closing down again. Numerous things have led to this but I’ll mention none. Because it wouldn’t be like this if I wasn’t sick in my own head.

Sleep is rough. The last time I ate was…. Hold on… I have to look at the day…. The 14th (which was Monday and it is now 1:25 am Thursday. I have no appetite. I have no desire for food or for talking about shit like I’ve been doing so well at.

Maybe it’s all part of this recovery I’m on. Maybe it’s me falling back to how I was. I don’t want to be her. I just want to be someone else that isn’t this…..

*Just to credit the artist in my title : it’s from ‘Vermillion Part 2’ by Slipknot *

Mother doesn’t always know best

When your body aches all over from depression you know it’s at its worst. Things were okay. As okay as they could be at least. And then yet another set back came. Small back story. My biological mom never wanted me. When the courts gave her the chance to get clean she let them take me and refused. It was for the best but it’s left me wondering for years why I was never good enough. My dad got custody of me and started dating the woman I call mom.

So today I wanted to take her to dinner for her birthday. We made plans last week to do so. We also work at the same place and she had asked me to get her some papers for request for time off for her. I call today to see if 530 would be okay for our plans and I’m met with ‘oh I’m at Adam’s and don’t know when I’ll be home. Just put the papers in my mailbox.’ (for the record Adam is her biological son) So my first thought is to ask her if we are canceling our plans and she responded with ‘yeah’.

Why this hurt so bad I don’t know. But I acted like it didn’t phase me. But as soon as I was alone and not with my kids I spent the rest of the day crying. I canceled a visit with my brother who is in jail to make the timing all work out which in turn made him more depressed. And I just realized where the step child rates.

Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad if I didn’t already have ptsd from my biological mother. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad if it had come from someone I didn’t think loved me like her own. Whatever the reason I’m now left wondering again why I’m never good enough to have a mother….

What it’s like to love an addict

Recently someone became involved with someone close to me and things ended quickly. She was hurt and when I talked to him last on the phone from the county jail he had told me parts of their conversation. She told him she really liked him. He responded ‘you like what I showed you. People like me will ruin your life.’ And it got my head going.

What’s it like to love someone like my brother? Imagine waking up everyday knowing you could get that phone call that he’s in prison again. Imagine fearing the day you get that call that the drugs took him away. Imagine fearing that day you get the phone call that the streets took him back for good. I’ve sat in front of his car in tears begging him not to leave my house the day he told me he was on dope. He told me he couldn’t get clean and he was scared. He said the minute he left he was going to go and use again. I sat there for over an hour begging him to let me help. I did it because I’m his big sister. After everything I couldn’t protect him from as I watched our family tear him apart like they did me I felt some responsibility for this.

I still see my brother as that 12 year old before he got into trouble for the first time. I still see the innocence in his eyes and in his smile at times. No one else can see that because they haven’t been through it all with him like I have. He’s trying his best but this life he’s made is all he knows. I wish I could have stepped in and I wish I would have stepped in. But to look at a 12 year old little boy and tell them who and what our mom really is would have made me a monster. However, I became a monster by not.

I love my brother for all the reasons no one else does. I love him for all the things no one else even knows about him. And one day I’m going to get that phone call that will break my heart forever or I’ll be the one to walk in and find what I have nightmares about. But until that day, I will cherish every second I still have with him. I will always look past what the world sees and find that innocent child that is still alive somewhere and I will love him until the end of time.

Fighting to Exhaustion

Every day that is a good day, I hold onto for as long as I can. The days where my anxiety is minimal or almost non-existent. The days where I wake up and don’t feel the weight of everything on top of me. The days where smiling and laughing isn’t forced. The days that aren’t covered in darkness. Because I know that it’ll last a few days and then I’ll be back in that place that I hate again. It never stops.

Recently I had a three day stay in the hospital after a nervous breakdown. I’m leaving the details at that for the moment. After I came home, the first two days were rough and after some tears and another panic attack, things finally lightened up. From the 17th of this month up until a day or so ago I felt amazing. I was happy to wake up in the morning. I was talking to my friends a lot more. I was getting things done that needed done. Everything was fucking great.

And then I woke up the other morning for work. I could already feel the tiredness and like I was dragging to even get dressed. At work, I had to push myself extra to get my shit done. My conversations with people were still decent enough but it’s now at the point that I’m socially and emotionally exhausted. Before I went to the hospital, I had a few weeks of falling into my darkness. I came home from work and slept for 5-7 hours. I completely got off social media and wasn’t contacting my friends or family. I woke up from sleeping a 15 hour night to multiple texts from my dad saying my grandma had called and was concerned I hadn’t posted on fb in weeks. My friend had sent me numerous messages asking if I was okay and that she hadn’t heard from me at all in weeks when I used to message at least once a day. People were messaging my boyfriend asking if I was alright.

Today it took all I had not to come home and crawl into my bed and just sleep. And now I’m just sitting here staring at my phone screen over and over, barely interested. I stared at my computer screen for a good 30 minutes before writing this out. I’m fighting this the best I can and am trying to keep myself pulled out this time. All I know is I’m fucking exhausted.

Lacking motivation today

I worked all last week on this idea for starting a business. It’s been my dream for years and I finally got serious about it. Not only did I get a lot of information and learned different ways to go about running my own PC business, I got a local business owner who I know to agree to let me do pc work for her for free in exchange for the experience and reputation. I took a break Friday evening and relaxed a bit. Saturday I had my kids over and took the day to spend with them. I did a little research when they went to bed last night, but not much. Today my afternoon is clear. And now I’m struggling with the motivation to get back into it and starting to feel the self doubt kick in. I don’t want to give up on my dream now. I’ve made great progress the last few days and if I start giving in to my thoughts I know I won’t be able to keep going. I am going to make myself try and focus on this for a while and maybe once I start getting deep into things again I will begin to get lost in it all again.

Regards,

Xerxes

Follow up on my tech post

So. Things have happened so quickly this week. I sat down as I mentioned before and have busted my ass to research what all I need to do and competition / prices. Literal hours spent this week. And as I mentioned in my previous post, I made a pre business plan which included doing work for free for personal contacts who own local businesses etc.

Today I went to get a tattoo after work. It happens that my tattoo artist (who owns a legit shop and started it all by herself) is a very close friend of mine. So close she tells people I’m family. While sitting there waiting for her to print the stencil she came out and told me her computer was not working properly. And this is when I saw my chance. I had already planned on discussing this with her but did not think that things would fall into place like they have.

The sad part was we ended up rescheduling my tattoo appt for the 6th. But I’m okay with that given what all else happened. I explained what I wanted to do and that in the meantime while I get everything together to start my business I would be willing to work on her computer for free. Her face lit up. In exchange I asked for her to help me gain a good reputation in my business. She agreed quickly and then said she would market the fuck out of me in her shop. I then took it further and said after I come and fix her computer that needs work now I would come in once a week for general maintenance to avoid this happening again.

She was so ecstatic I thought she was going to fall over. And to sweeten the deal for me I also get tattoos in exchange for doing what I am. Then she explained her new pc to me and that it has a program for her tattoo clients info so the shop can go from all paper filing to electronic but no one has time to set it all up and enter all the data due to the fact that they are all busy tattooing all day. So I offered to do it for her once I have the other pc running.

This is a great start for me. I am so excited and happy that for the first time in a long time I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Regards,

Xerxes

Dreaming of Tech

When you have a dream you are trying to make a reality, it gives you something to hold onto. I am entering day three of having this blog and have only mentioned my mental illness and what holds me back. But what about something I’m decent at and have passion for? So let’s change it up today and go with something positive.

I have an undying passion for technology. I love to find out what makes it work and how. I love tearing computers and laptops apart and rebuilding them. I love playing with different software and seeing how far I can push my computer. And of course I love troubleshooting and messing with a broken computer. That’s may sound weird. A broken computer shouldn’t be enjoyable but even if it takes weeks and I’m frustrated and cussing at it, when I finally find out the issue and fix it, it’s very rewarding.

My dream for years has been to work as a tech. I’ve had multiple interviews and told them what all I could do and have done with a pc. Basically everyone looked at me like I was lying and not capable of doing what I have. No one would even give me a chance to prove myself. So I gave up and just went back to doing it for fun and working my job that I really don’t want to do forever. I’ve always thought about opening my own business but I have always had doubts that I’d ever make it or be able to do so.

But here’s the thing. If I don’t try then I’ll never know. I’ve hit it hard this week. I’ve spent the past five days doing 5-6 hours of research a night after coming home from working my 8 hour dayshift job. It won’t happen overnight but I am going to go for it and open my own pc repair business. I have tons of things to learn about business and a lot of stuff to buy to prepare for having such a business. I want to get some certifications from Microsoft and comptia A+ which will help build some credibility. I plan on doing work for free for some contacts I personally know who own businesses in the meantime to build a reputation. I have it mostly mapped out.

Here’s to hoping for the best and that I finally live my dream. I almost gave it up. Don’t ever give up on yourself. You may fail at it in the end but at least you tried.

Regards,

Xerxes

We all need chaos from time to time

Yesterday I was going insane sitting in my house, something I normally would prefer over being out. Today I just want the day to be over so I can sit in my house. Being mentally ill is fun. (Obvious sarcasm) So here I am sitting at work feeling how I felt yesterday at home. I enjoy my job for the most part. I usually don’t dread coming in. But it’s like the last few days I have sensory underload.

Sensory overload is very common for me to experience. And that’s why I enjoy being at home. If I’m home alone I normally have the TV off, no music, and everything is calm. I’ve lived this way for a few years now. When I’m not home alone I don’t mind when my boyfriend has the TV on or music. And if it does start to get to me I can just walk to my room and go into the calm again. But maybe I need some chaos in my life right now. Not the go and commit felonies type chaos. But the chaos of randomly driving far away spontaneously. The type of chaos that makes me happy to go back to my calm.

Regards,

Xerxes

A place somewhere inside my mind

There is no good starting point for my story when I begin to tell it. I was born, events occurred, and somewhere in between I ended up here. Oh, sure. I can tell you plenty of things that happened (or that I did) that set off the chain of events that landed me here. But do any of those really matter now? You learn to deal and how to accept who you are. That’s all there is to it. And that’s why I am here.

After years of hating who I am because I am not ‘atypical’, I finally made it to a point where I can be okay with that. Some days, I’m not okay. And I’m learning to be okay with that as well. As of this point in time I am officially diagnosed with: Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, and Adult ADHD (combined type). Some days are great. I can feel happiness and hope. I can function like a person without any major symptoms. Other days I can’t get out of bed. I panic thinking about going to the store for groceries. I can read the same sentence over and over and nothing comprehends. Those day are hell, but I push through. When I feel like I’m falling away, I have a small support system that pulls me back up.

I want to bring awareness and help those without that support know they aren’t alone. And that is why I am here. My thoughts are sometimes dark and haunting. Sometimes they are weird and amusing. I hated it for the longest time and never said those odd little things or dark things. That got me no where. I can’t suppress myself to make others more comfortable about MY illness.

This is my platform to put my thoughts out there for everyone to see. They will be happy at times and weird at others. They may not make full sense but they may also make you think. And yes. They will be sad and hurt sometimes as well. But I am not alone. None of us ever are.

Regards,

Xerxes