When your body aches all over from depression you know it’s at its worst. Things were okay. As okay as they could be at least. And then yet another set back came. Small back story. My biological mom never wanted me. When the courts gave her the chance to get clean she let them take me and refused. It was for the best but it’s left me wondering for years why I was never good enough. My dad got custody of me and started dating the woman I call mom.
So today I wanted to take her to dinner for her birthday. We made plans last week to do so. We also work at the same place and she had asked me to get her some papers for request for time off for her. I call today to see if 530 would be okay for our plans and I’m met with ‘oh I’m at Adam’s and don’t know when I’ll be home. Just put the papers in my mailbox.’ (for the record Adam is her biological son) So my first thought is to ask her if we are canceling our plans and she responded with ‘yeah’.
Why this hurt so bad I don’t know. But I acted like it didn’t phase me. But as soon as I was alone and not with my kids I spent the rest of the day crying. I canceled a visit with my brother who is in jail to make the timing all work out which in turn made him more depressed. And I just realized where the step child rates.
Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad if I didn’t already have ptsd from my biological mother. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so bad if it had come from someone I didn’t think loved me like her own. Whatever the reason I’m now left wondering again why I’m never good enough to have a mother….
Xerxes Mania 